In the words of Colonel Kurtz- The horror! The horror!

I spent Labor Day studying patents in order to build an IP map. Everytime I do this I conclude that some people should be spanked for the kinds of patents they submit. No. A whole line of people should be severely beaten spanked- research directors, reseachers, patent attorneys, and examiners. Layers of obfuscation heaped upon a linguistic topography of sinuous channels and ridges. Cures in search of a disease. Water-logged IP rafts wallowing without crew in the statutory safe harbor of Patentstan. 

Bad patents, yes. But they are bestowed with the presumption of validity. Apply a known transformation to a new substrate- Kaboom! A patent! Redefine diethyl ether as a “Lewis Basic dispersant“! Bang! Novelty! Game the system to the (n+1)th degree- swamp the PTO with minutae and obfuscation and get yerself a patent! If gaming the system is possible, then it is obligatory.

A year ago I visited the USPTO in Alexandria with the intent of getting a tour of the place. Maybe get some insight into the process and the people of the institution. I called ahead and was told that we would be met at the gift shop/museum.  When we arrived we were told that 2 people didn’t warrant a tour, but the rep would be glad to show us the cafeteria (!) and the library. So, that is what we did. We saw the cafeteria and the library. Oh, I forgot to mention, we stood in the foyer next to an auditorium downstairs where, gulp, actual examiners met for important meetings. Jeepers.

The patent game on the application side is almost completely run by attorneys and the occasional agent. That’s fine. It is truly a specialty and such specialists are sorely needed. But in a sense society has abandoned it to this league of office action jockeys who naturally fill in the vacuum left by the rest of us. Should we be surprised? Of course not. But given the MM$’s thrown at the development of IP, R&D managers and business leaders should be paying more attention.

And thanks to the Dole-Bayh Act, professors can jump on the IP train and tie up their developments in a 20 year monopoly too. Why pay for university research just once? Pay again to access it in SciFinder or Crossfire. Pay to see it in a journal subscription. And, then pay yet again to get a license to use it! Hey, the folks in accounting just love to be audited by pencil-necked university IP auditors looking to find a stray rupee.

OK. I’m being sarcastic.