For Release, 11/1/25.

Secretary of Defense Hegseth and the public affairs office with the Department of War in Washington, DC, announced late Friday that 2 policy changes will go into effect on January 1, 2026, both relating to the military dress code. First, unless otherwise specified, Fridays will become casual Friday. Second, ties worn by service members will be red and extra-long. This change has been in the works since 2016.

White House Deputy Chief of Staff Stephen Miller was rushed from the White House outhouse to the hospital late Friday evening for a severe RCI, Rectal-Cranial Inversion. Members of his immediate family said only that this came as no surprise.

A spokesman for President Trump said that the East Wing conversion has already gone over budget owing to the late addition of state-of-the-art-secret doors and passageways. The secret doors are designed for the quiet removal of foreign guests who refuse to speak English.

The White House Office of Global Disruption has announced the decision to rename an offensive digit. It has been named “Trump” and it replaces the name “five”. MAGA rejoiced in the elimination of the Antifa-approved name five, e.g. trump, trumpteen or trump thousand trump hundred and trumptytrump. When asked whether or not this is a wise move, Trump replied that someone said that this will be the greatest change ever in mathematics.