23 July, 2008. NCAR, Boulder, Colorado.  Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) announced today at a press conference that a major greenhouse gas has been identified. Dr. Simon Sayes, Director of the Stratosphere and co-chairman of the Vice President’s Office on Gases, Vapors, and Mists, stated before an international press corps that a previously ignored component of the atmosphere apparently absorbed a “… whole bunch of solar energy”.

“While we were preoccupied with anthropogenic CO2, we failed to consider the effects of water vapor in the atmosphere,” said Dr. Sayes. As Director of the Stratosphere, Dr. Sayes has regulatory enforcement responsibility in matters pertaining to that lofty body of air above the jetstream. Because water is also a combustion product, Dr. Sayes suggests that a switch to hydrogen and ethanol fuels would only exacerbate the problem of global warming.

“We have no enforcement plans finalized yet. However, we are investigating the use of dessicator packs to be fitted onto commercial aircraft,” stated Brian Cohen, Tropospheric Liason to the Office of the Stratosphere. “There has been some initial pushback by the airlines” Cohen added, “but we believe that the problem can be surmounted with a suitable tax package and passenger fees.”

18 July, 2008. The Hague, Netherlands.  Discussions are underway concerning a new proposal to ban carbonated beverages due to mounting evidence of their combined contribution to the global greenhouse gas inventory. The startling new proposal submitted by Olivier Lawrentz, the President of Tudaloo, an island-state in the French Wayward Islands.  The document was submitted to the Ad Hoc Working Group on Further Commitments for Annex I Parties under the Kyoto Protocol (AWG-KP) just prior to Fridays deadline for the 2009 conference in the Slobovian capital of Nyeznok.

President Lawrentz stated in his address that the carbonated beverage ban proposal is meant to address the cumulative atmospheric effects of efforvescence in all manner of beverages- beer, champagne, sparkling water, and soft drinks.  “It is a simple matter of math, no? How much CO2 are we putting into the air because we demand a fizzy drink with our frittes?” asked Lawrentz, president of an island with an average elevation of 1 foot.

The reaction around the world was swift and highly critical. Arlene Kelpwalker, CEO of Cola Industries International, a softdrink trade group, stated that her member companies were shocked and disappointed at the news. “Flat sodas are not going to go down well with the public, if you’ll pardon the pun,” Kelpwalker joked.

Most telling was a press release by the Belgian beverage giant OnBev, who would only disclose that they were in discussions with the American security firm Darkwater. When pressed for more information, a spokesman for OnBev said cryptically that their response to this move by Tudaloo would be soon be apparent.