Category Archives: Humor

Radiant Pastures

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“The AEC is my shepherd: I shall not live. (AEC- the Atomic Energy Commission)
It maketh me to lie down in radiant pastures; it leadeth
me beside deathly waters.
It destroyeth my bones; it leadeth me in the path of
frightfulness for its name’s sake.
Yet, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of
death, I will hear no evil; for thou art with me; thy
bomb and thy SAC, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a fable before me in the presence of mine
enemies; thou anointest thy words with oil; my cup
runneth over.
Surely, strontium and fallout shall follow me all the days
of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the
AEC–but hardly forever.”

by Lester Del Rey

Can be found in “A Stress Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown: Essays for a Scientific Age“, edited by Robert A. Baker

Cracker Barrel vs Cry Babies

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I have nothing constructive to add here, but it’s just too funny to leave alone. A scandal has hit the news. Cracker Barrel has announced they are offering a new plant-based sausage on their menu. It has resulted in an flood of outrage on the interwebs. Here in the land of the free and the home of the brave, indignant customers are venting their outrage over an optional menu item as a menacing sign of what is to come.

The US Navy may be adding it to their menu, sparking righteous indignation from our very own pistol packin’ Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO). It was proposed for the 2023 defense budget. Boebert cried out that it is “liberal woke garbage”. It’s a new food choice for our sailors, Lauren. You are crying wolf again.

According to a source that I don’t trust and never quote, the New York Post, Tejas Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX) voted against it in 2021. In a Twitter thread, he exclaimed

“A woke military that drafts our daughters, wastes resources on Green New Deal garbage, holds no one accountable for Afghanistan disaster, and prioritizes playing leftist politics over destroying our enemies,” he wrote in the thread. “Rep. Roy voted no.”

Oh! The horror of it! A vegan meat substitute is an example of wokeness, they rage. To be woke is to be aware of social injustice and to tolerate the choices of other people. But to the lunatic fringe, it is a crime against MAGA land.

It will be interesting to see what the restaurant does about this, if anything. It is an amusing tempest in a teapot.

Spite

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I heard a joke from a Russian friend years ago. It goes like this-

A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “Yuri, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”

Know anybody like this?

Whoa there Texas, simmer down big fella

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So, it turns out that I did time in Texas- 22 months to be exact. As a postdoc in a large central Texas city with the initials S.A. The natives were friendly, if not a little obsessed with the daily level of the Edwards Aquafer. If you absolutely have to live in Texas, SA is a decent choice. I do have to fault them on their choice of US Rep. Louie Gomert. An actual gibbering dunce if there ever was one. Imagine what kind of people were passed over in making that choice? But I digress.

On to the point. The Texas State Board of Educators recently made the news regarding their decision NOT to replace the word “slavery” with “involuntary relocation”. Evidently this antiseptic language was floated by a curriculum study group. The board, to their credit, unanimously directed the work group to revisit the language. Astute choice, folks.

According to the article in the San Antonio Current, GOP lawmakers (are there any other kind in Tejas?) are trying to shield students from discomfort in the classroom as with the mercurial issue of Critical Race Theory. Previously, in 2015, headlines were made when it was discovered that enslaved Africans brought to the US by the slave trade were described as “workers” in a social studies textbook. Sanitizing language on slavery is the first step to eliminating its tragic history altogether.

The Idiot and Poststructuralism

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ANNOUNCEMENT

Colloquium at The Center for Contemporary Idiocy, Rand Paul Auditorium

Poltroon University, Guapo AZ

The Center for Contemporary Idiocy is pleased to announce a lecture and panel discussion on “The Demise of Roe v Wade: Will Anti-Abortion Single Issue Voters Continue to Vote Republican?”

The Idjota Award for Graduate Studies in Western Idiocracy will be given after the speaker.

Guest Speaker: Dr. Horst Statek van Klingenn, Distinguished Fellow, The Institute for Poststructuralism and Malign Idiocy, Pan Handle College, OK.

6:30 PM Refreshments

7:00 PM Speaker

8:06 PM Panel Discussion

The Packaging Fetish

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I received a package from the across the Atlantic last week. It contained a small pressure transducer which, in it itself, isn’t very interesting. But what was odd was the number of layers of packaging it had. It had 6 separate bags and envelopes as well as a piece of foam.

At what point does precaution give way to fetish? They could learn something from Amazon. When in doubt, use those green air pillows and a box.

Pragmatics of effective science outreach

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Public outreach in science is a important element for the maintenance of our present technology-affected (or afflicted) civilization. Science and engineering (Sci & Eng) activity is continually expanding the scope of the known. The global business sector, without relent, puts new technologies to work and retires others as obsolete. It is as though civilization is in a constant state of catch-up with the tools and materials being made newly available. And the quality of news is quite variable.

When it comes to the electronic and print mass media’s government reporting, the emphasis seems to me to focus on the current budgeting process and political conflict therein. These two subjects are in the “eternal now” in the flow of events. The word “news” is just the plural form of “new” so it is natural that news media focus on present budgeting and in-fighting. Media directors and executives know that reporting must be as concrete as possible and what could be more so than large dollar values and pithy news of political hijinks? Both raise our ire because cost and anger are emotional triggers for people. And emotional triggers bring lingering eyeballs to media.

The public not affiliated with Sci & Eng are quite often unaware of what their tax dollars are actually producing, perhaps many years down the timeline. The eventual outcome of government spending on Sci & Eng may be quite specialized and seem only remotely related to non-Sci & Eng life.

It has been my observation that media equates boring content with failure and compelling content with broadcasting success. The word “compelling” is used to describe something that attracts lingering eyeballs. Modern news broadcasting is the process of jumping from one compelling piece to another. I suppose we cannot blame them for this emphasis on superficiality because apparently it is what “we” want. The big We that draws advertisers and thus cash flow to broadcasters. It keeps the lights on and families fed. Basic stuff that can’t be dismissed with a utopian wave of the hand.

If there is going to be any fundamental change in the tenor and quality of content in media, it will have to come from citizen viewers. This leads me to the thrust of this essay: Those knowledgeable in Sci & Eng must bring the value proposition of current efforts in technological civilization to the citizenry, because broadcast media certainly can’t. By “broadcast media” I mean to include everything right down to what appears on your smart phone. Unfortunately, tech content typically emphasizes consumer goods like automobiles, electronic widgets, space, or miraculous medicine.

Those knowledgeable in Sci & Eng must bring the value proposition of current efforts in technological civilization to the citizenry, because broadcast media certainly can’t in any depth. They’re in showbiz. 

Arguments in favor of rational stewardship of our little world won’t influence elected politicians. But informed and persuasive citizens can influence those who are less so and if they apply some leadership. Carefully. Those who may be less educated and less up to date on the sciency subjects do not take kindly to speech that talks down to them. The hand that reaches from above is still above and off-putting. Learn to communicate on even ground.

What works for me in reaching out to all levels of education is to use humor and a bit of showmanship. Reaching out to the public in a way that keeps their attention is hard to do and not everyone is prepared to do it. Lest you think I am describing putting on a show, not entirely. I am saying that by the deft use of knowledge, public speaking skill, and the strength of personality, it is possible to persuade even the scientifically reluctant to perk up and follow your efforts at making a point. But the point must be accessible. Deep detail and meandering monologue will lose your group. Keep your outreach succinct and limit the breadth to a few pearls of wisdom. Get feedback on your presentation.  With any luck, they’ll go home and jump on Google for more.

If you need help with public speaking, join Toastmasters to improve. Try acting lessons. Join a theatre group. Learn to relax, pace yourself, and enjoy speaking. The better you get at the mechanics of public speaking, the more effective you’ll become.

[Note: The crummy WordPress text editor used to write this post is just abysmal. Why it was changed to the current revision is a mystery to me.  -Th’ Gaussling]

Gravitationally Initiated Tourette’s

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After another tedious weekly teleconference our group adjourned and stood up from the table in the conference room.  I was furthest from the door but my normally rapid pace put me in the lead to exit. All at once mid-stride, just as my rearward foot began to move forward, it caught a phone cord that became taut instantly. Consider that a walking stride is a series of balance/off-balance conditions where the walker is constantly catching his/her balance. I had been caught off-balance at the wrong moment in my step.

My recollection of that falling moment brings to mind the droll voice of the bowl of petunias in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  Resigned to its fate, its final lament is “Oh no, not again.” I can relate.

Mid-fall my lips came within a hairs breadth of landing face first on an armrest. Luckily I hadn’t shaved that day so I actually had that hairs breadth.  On impact with the carpeted floor my first emotion was one of anger. I had successfully negotiated the cords for nigh on eleven years. But this day it was not to be. This day I would tip like a sack of dirt in front of a room full of colleagues.

After a moment on the floor I spouted an incredulous “Mother F**ker!!“ followed by an equally enthused “Son of a B*tch!!” Truth be told, it was an utterly sincere cleansing of my dismay. My screens were down and the profanities leapt into the ether. After a few awkward moments I got up and repaired to the solitary confines of my office.

Later I jokingly apologized for my “gravitationally-induced Tourette’s.” I gathered that the unexpected outburst had provided a welcome bit of mirth after a highly technical meeting.

 

A Pox on the House of Microsoft

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An automated Windows update disrupted my life today. It swooped in overnight like a winged wraith, did its dark deeds, and flapped quietly back to the dank hole from whence it came. My RC1 data may yet reside unscrambled on the disk drive, but it lies orphaned from the mother iControl application which mockingly professes no recollection of 18 hours of sweet data lovingly produced. The curs in IT can only “tsk, tsk” in their antiseptic way while bobbing pointed heads in faux dismay. Another first-world difficulty uncovered for all to see.

Lamar, my boy, show ’em how it’s done.

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Dear Rep. Lamar Smith,

Yer a smart feller there, Lamar. Ya have a BA from Yale and that JD from SMU. Ya passed the bar exam and started private practice in San Antone. In 11 years ya worked yer way up ta national ‘lected office.  It’s an accomplishment no matter how’ya look at it. And that America Invents Act piled on some mighty fine improvements ta the patentin’ process. That was good work there boy.

As chair of the House Committee on Science, Space and Tech-nology, ya been perty skeptical ’bout them snooty climate science boys with their jar-gon and their uppity attitudes actin’ all high’n mighty-like ’bout climate n’such. A good ole’ boy from the Hill Country ought ta be able to pick up on that fancy c’mputer modelin’, right?

I think that ya ought ta throw some of yer many talents inta climate modelin’ yerself. You’d be doin’ the scientific folks a favor. You’d roll up yer sleeves an’ dig in ta clean’n up that po-litically correct climate data. Darn tootin’ you would. I’m sure the folks at NOAA would give ya a desk er somethin’ ta do yer cipherin’.

Give it some thought, Lamar. Shouldn’t take more’n a few Saturday afternoons ta make a big dent innit. Don’tcha think? Keep yer head on a swivel.

Th’ Gausslin’

 

(Texican language services provided by Elroy)