Category Archives: Humor

Mole Day Benediction. Gausslings 13th Epistle to the Bohemians.

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10/23/10.  Th’ Gaussling is spending a safe and sane Mole Day at an undisclosed location in Colorado. The gaity and frivolity of this years madcap festivities will be left to others. Th’ Gaussling has instead chosen to mark the date with a period of introspection and solemn meditation rather than the customary secular bacchanalian festivus.

Mole Day Benediction

Yea, followers of the Morse Curve and the illuminati Willard Gibbs, be true to the fundamental science and fear ye not. For, while ignorance is all around us, ye shall be rewarded for your toils in our beloved endeavor. Ye shall be granted deep insight and freedom from the terrors suffered by those who follow the ways of mysticism. Fear is not the way of science.

So it was and so it shall be. Thus spake Th’ Gaussling.

Staarkrakken Institute to Change the Standard Taper Joint

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Guapo, Arizona.  10/1/10.  The Staarkrakken Institute at Pultroon University in cooperation with ThermoFissure Corporation have announced the development of a new ground glass joint standard for the 21st century. The laboratory glassware joints to be retired initially are the 14/20, 24/40, and 29/42 joints. The taper angle will be raised by 1.8 degrees on all subsequent designs. Ball joint design standards will change as well. Look for ball joint standards to change in early 2014.  Additionally, the outside diameter of the joint will be increased, so Keck clips will also undergo a redesign.

This change is the result of years of marketing studies designed to determine how satisfied chemists were with the familiar standard taper joint. Market researchers found that customers rarely had strong opinions about their familiar standard taper joints or simply expressed “boredom” with the topic. So, in an effort to stimulate fresh demand, executives from ThermoFissure Corporation approached the Staarkrakken Institute for design studies that would lead to stimulated sales of lab glassware.

Olaf Staarkrakken, Director of the Staarkrakken Institute and grandson of founder Nels Staarkrakken, commented “this is the right time for change in the worlds laboratories. We believe that this upgrade in glassware will strengthen joints everywhere. The time is now and we’re proud to lead the way.”

Robert “Stone” Hanusly, Director of Sales and Marketing at ThermoFissure, announced the arrival of the Fissure brand of laboratory glassware using the new standard taper joints. Hanusly added that the Fissure brand is expected to be a big hit among R&D workers and that they have built up their inventory of Fissure glassware in anticipation of high demand. Mr. Hanusly commented that a wide array of adapters will be available.

Alan Simpson to Receive Honorary Degree

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Guapo, Arizona.  University Chancellor Dr. Tina Grimstone issued a press release containing the annual list of Honorary Degrees to be conferred by Pultroon University at the spring 2011 commencement.   Notable are three awardees from the State of Wyoming, former US Senator Alan Simpson, former Sectretary of the Interior James Watt, and former Vice President Richard “Dick” Cheney. 

In her brief comments Dr. Grimstone stated that “seldom has a state produced three characters of the magnitude of Simpson, Watt, and Cheney in a single generation. We felt it was important to highlight this fact as an example to others who may choose public service.”

The University public affairs office disclosed that Sen. Simpson will deliver the commencement address on the topic of “Folksy Farm Witicisms in Public Life.”  Secretary Watt will follow the ceremony with a pentecostal benediction spoken in tongues and Vice President Cheney will pesent the Honorary St. Elmo’s Firing Pin to the Chancellor in the precessional.

Professor claims Lincoln was wrong; southern states should have been let go.

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Guapo, Arizona.  A political science conference held to reexamine the American Civil War has produced some surprising and controversial conclusions. At a news conference sponsored by Pultroon University, a spokesperson for the Office of University Affairs tried to assure reporters that the event was in fact a scholarly meetiong and not part of a political movement.  Meeting organizer and political science professor Udo Rotmensen spoke at the press conference and reiterated that this was not an anti-tea bag event, but rather a venue for professional discourse.

The subject of the controversy is a paper delivered by associate professor Edward Zaldibar, from Penninsular College in Wisconsin, entitled “Was Lincoln Wrong? Alternatives to Reunification.” In his paper, which is soon to be published in the Proceedings of the Sherman Society, Zaldibar explores alternate resolutions to the Civil War.  Zaldibar’s hypothesis is that the Confederacy was a genuine and organic political evolution fundamentally incompatible with the Union and democratic ideals. 

Where Prof. Zaldibar generated the controversy was the conclusion that the US should consider the merits of forcibly separating the former Confederate States from the Union, sans nuclear weapons, and begin negotiations on the merging of the Northern states with Canada.  

Amidst the outcry and shouting from the aisles, Prof. Zaldibar maintained that it was “obvious on its face” that these states should be let go in the interest of a peaceful and prosperous future. “After all”, the professor continued, “the Tea Party movement pretty much clinches my argument, doesn’t it? Its southern anti-federalism undercurrent combined with a penchant for ‘2nd amendment solutions’ for conflict resolution is a reincarnation of antebellum ideals.” 

After the meeting, Prof. Zaldibar was escorted past a gauntlet of outraged attendees and students. He remains in seclusion and declines to be interviewed.

A chemist’s encounter with boneheads and the disreputable

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One of the things that happens to a chemist in the sales department is the business of taking odd phone calls. Someone out there will scan the internets for information on some particular substance or product and find the number of your company switchboard. The person at the front desk  will spend a moment with the caller and then connect them with someone like myself.

During my business development time I have been amused, surprised, pestered, annoyed, and yes, a little frightened.  I have fielded calls from a prisoner wanting expert witnessing (his planned appeal was based on a false premise), illicit drug makers wanting bulk intermediates sent to their motorcycle or chrome shops, and crooked characters wanting items on the MCA list sent to their garage operations.

I am not a member of the law enforcement fraternity. God knows these characters have never asked for my help.  There is precious little I can personally do in the fight against drug crime. But foiling those who would profit from poisoning the nervous systems of our citizens is something that can be done by chemists.

I have spoken with misguided people on the dark side of chemistry who are on the fast track to prison. And, I have taken calls from parents of K-12 students wanting energetic or otherwise hazardous materials for their science fair project. In this case, we’ll have a polite discussion about safety and I’ll offer some alternatives.

I have been yelled at by frustrated foreign nationals for my refusal to quote on items on the munitions list or the State Department’s official shit list of bad actors. Some were persistant buggers, but I extracted satisfaction in interfering with their sourcing plans. The front lines in illegal technology transfer or illegal synthetic drugs is not in the offices of the authorities. It is on the phones and emails messages of companies who sell materials or devices that facilitate the activity.

It turns out that knowingly selling substances to suspicious characters is not only morally wrong or makes you an accessory, but it is just plain bad business. Long term stability for you and your company requires compliance with the code. Selling materials that may be used for illicit purposes by unqualified buyers is only an open invitation for trouble.

Trolling for organizational weaknesses happens all of the time and all over the business world. Industrial espionage, attempts at illegal export/import of controlled materials, and raw material sourcing attempts for illicit or controlled substances. You have to keep your head on a swivel and qualify your customers.  

Trade shows are particularly bad for spying and competitive intelligence gathering. Companies who can afford large trade show booths will have an enclosed room to meet privately with potential customers. That way watchful eyes will have a harder time figuring out what they’re up to.

Few experienced business development people are shy about asking questions, especially yukking it up over a business dinner and drinks. When in doubt about giving information, just shut your yap, shrug your shoulders, and grin.

Always be up front and honest when it comes to withholding confidential information. Even, or perhaps especially, when you have an NDA in place.  You do not want to get in the habit of discussing sensitive topics in social settings. Leave that for meetings in the conference room where your cohorts can participate and everyone can hear what was disclosed. Savvy business people on either side will halt conversation on the spot if they believe that proprietary information is being divulged inappropriately.

As to the matter of gaming the system, I’ll offer that it’s always better in the long run to avoid planting misinformation. It is better to be regarded as uninformed or unhelpful rather than as a liar in the sales world. You can eventually slough off the reputation of being a bit uninformed or rude. But once branded as a liar, even in a field of liars, it is a stink that will follow you for the rest of your career in sales.

Gaussling’s Nuclear Policy

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I’m glad to hear that the US and Russia have decided, in principle anyway, to dial in another notch of reduction in nuclear arms. I think it is hard for people to fathom the magnitude of the effects of nuclear weapons or to estimate how many are really necessary to bring an adversary to submission. You don’t have to knock down every city, crater every underground installation, or bounce every bit of rubble to rattle an enemy state to the point where they sue for peace.

But enough of this heady atomic theatre. I have my own nuclear policy. You see, I’m generally in favor of the extreme reduction of nuclear warheads to maybe less than 100. But I must insist that a few be kept aside for the purposes of bringing the hammer down on those who would devise computer viruses.

Yes, individuals or groups who devise malicious code to infect computers should live in fear that tactical nuclear hellfire could rain down upon their greasy, pointed heads at any moment. People who initiate malicious code should be regarded as international combatants-against-humanity with bounties on their heads.

Microsoft should be required to post a kind of bond for the purposes of reimbursing society for the countless hours of time lost waiting for anti-virus software to come out of scan-mode so your computer can function in the manner it is designed to work.

The dark collusion between Microsoft and the plurality of organizations thriving on the weakness of MS products should be brought to the surface for all to see. Apparently, nobody really wants to see a virus-proof OS dominate the market. It would bring too many vendors to ruin. And, too many 20-somethings holed-up in the dark, fetid recesses of the internet would have to find honest work with their skills.

It’s a hip hop hippity hop

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I was standing in a light rain this afternoon watching a hip hop dancing exhibition. A lawyer friend standing next to me commented that it was so cold he had to keep his hands in his own pockets. I thought that was funny.

Since the kid has been studying hip hop dancing, I’ve been to one hip hop concert and a few dancing exhibitions. I have to say that I rather like it. 

I’ve noticed something over the years at school functions where parents gather to watch their kids. Strangely, the parents are almost universally uncomfortable around the parents of other kids. When they (we) walk into the school they automatically become shy. Their social skills seem to be left outside. Even the elementary quantum unit of civility, an introduction and a handshake, is offered only after awkward minutes elapse and it becomes apparent that anonymity cannot be maintained. The notion that the parents of your kids friends are also your friends is not an axiom.

In fact, this whole business of adult friendship is a puzzlement to me. I can’t tell you how many times a discussion with another adult escalates into “that’s bullshit, this is how ya do it …” or terminates as “well, we don’t do that…”.  Many adults I know are seemingly unable to enter into a discussion where ideas are tossed around and back and forth analysis ocurs with mutual curiosity and interest.

So many people I know will take any given comment as an invitation to render approval or disapproval. There is rarely any interest to build on a concept or flesh out possibilities. One coworker is unable to discuss any topic I bring up. The reply to my sentence is invariably to throw out onto the table the activity or thing they do in a superior way than implied by my comment. There is never any back and forth- their participation is just a series of reflections off a mirror back to themselves.  Some of these folks are very brittle emotionally and intellectually.

Then there are the people who only participate in a discussion when they can dominate it. If they cannot dominate the proceedings, they leave. I have taken to the bad habit of preempting them by leaving when they arrive to dominate the discussion. Who is the bigger fool? I am not sure.

Somebody (William James?) once said that for most people, thinking consists in the rearranging of their prejudices. There is a lot of truth in this.

Apple to Adopt Theremin Interface for iPad

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Guapo, Arizona.  A spokesman for the Institute for Human-Aetherphone Interface Studies at Pultroon University has issued a press release announcing the signing of a non-exclusive licensing agreement between the University Intellectual Properties Office and Apple Computer, Inc. 

The office of Romeo MacGregor, director of new product development at Apple, declined to comment. However, sources at Pultroon University who wish to remain anonymous stated that Apple is planning a user interface based on certain aspects of Theremin technology developed at the university.

Project Claire de Lune, as it is called according to sources inside Apple, will revolutionize computer interfacing by allowing the user to gesticulate data entry bare handed within a small RF field surrounding the device and without the inconvenience of having to manipulate Wii-type control devices.

Sources inside Pultroon University claim that control appliances modulating the motion of the jaw, tongue, and eyelids can be affixed to the users head via eyeglass frames for an increased number of parallel input channels to devices like the iPad.

Microsoft has been rumored to be developing a user interface based on Theremin technology under the codename Krell.

Note to Larry King

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Note:  The rest of you please go about your business. This is a private letter  to Larry King.

Hey old buddy,

I heard that you was getting ready for yer, what, eighth deevorce? Dude, you really need to think about puttin’ that horse out to pasture. I can understand one or two. Hell, I been deevorced myself. But eight? Sssshoot! It only takes two points to make a straight line. Ain’t it gettin’ a might pricey? Don’cha ever wanna retire from that damned station in Alanta?

Here is what ya do. Ya go into yer back yard and dig up some of that money ya got buried back there and ya git yerself a condo and a dog.  A fella like you prob’ly needs a mastiff or some other big dog. Whatever. The dog will love ya no matter who else you may be fooling around with that month. Catch my drift? Git my meanin’?

Okay then. ‘Nuff said.

Your pal,

Th’ Gaussling

In the Chair

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As I lay reclined in the chair looking up at the blue sky and the palm tree,  I found myself wincing at the tugging at my head. Cool water splashed my face and ran past my ears and down my neck. A face came into view and peered intently at me.  Against the hushed conversation in the background a sound track played a vocal piece by Cher, no doubt the one in which she appeared in some black gauze and tape outfit while lip synching on a navy battleship.

For me this Cher video remains high on the list of most convincing bits of evidence that there is no God in heaven. Surely no master plan for the universe can include this performance.

Suddenly a shrill, piercing whine zinged into my consciousness and resonated in my skull. The sonic waves seemed to converge to a focus on my auditory apparatus. As bad as it was, it did  block the Cher sound track and for that I was grateful.

I looked away from the illuminated image of the palm tree in the ceiling light panel and focused on the looming snout of the dental hygienist. Sitting over two coal black nasal passages I could see twin distorted reflections in her glasses.  A gaping oral cavity ringed with teeth and filled with fingers and tools. The ultrasonic device that she was using conducted mind numbing vibrations into my head all the while irrigating my face.

Just another day.