Category Archives: Lampoon

Fake News, Parody

Halliburton to Take Over Management of NASA

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December 12, 2008.  In an unexpected move the Bush administration has transferred management responsibility for NASA’s Constellation Project to Halliburton.  The no-bid contract was announced 10 pm Friday evening. Reportedly, Halliburton will also take over day to day management of NASA activities.

Halliburton will take immediate responsibility for project management of the new manned launch vehicle system and, eventually, lunar missions planned for the end of the next decade.

Major General (ret.) Garman Schlumpet, President of Halliburton Drilling and Space Services, declined to give details of the new arrangement, but did remark that he “looks forward to working with Mr. Cheney again” on the upcoming lunar mission.

Halliburton is expected to subcontract significant portions of project management to Blackwater Space Systems (BSS) based in Terlott, NC. Recently, the privately held BSS has denied having an ongoing development program in play to develop payload delivery systems for orbital and suborbital applications. 

However, a recently discovered shipping manifest disclosing large quantities of ammonium perchlorate being shipped into the remote North Carolina headquarters has been reported by the Mount Pilot Recorder.  A coalition of adjacent coal mine operators  claim they will file an injunction to halt the “private space program” from contaminating  their pristine mountain valley.

Reportedly, BSS is offering turnkey underground launch facilities as well as launch facility services from their  privately held volcanic island in the Caribbean Mauvaise Odeur Island chain.

Arizona Scientists Discover First Inert Enzyme

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December 3, 2008, Arroyo Oceanographic Institute, Guapo, Arizona.  Oceanographers at the Arroyo Oceanographic Institute (AOI) at Pultroon College have announced the first of what is believed to be a series of inert enzymes. Scientists discovered the mysterious enzyme in the anterior appendix of the giant salt water catfish while on a benthic noodling expedition off the coast of Tierra del Fuego. Dubbed “Uselase”, the faux enzyme is thought to be the result of a non-lethal mutation.

Dr. Hoechstus Van Toogenblatt, principle investigator on AOI’s 160 ft research vessel Belle Stugatto, noted that the peptide did hydrolyze and release glutamate during the cooking process. “Eet eez gud fer somting, ja?” he said wistfully, “makes a helluva chowder!”

California Governor Unveils Plan to Prevent Wildfires

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Nov. 17, 2008, Sacramento, California.   Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced the development of a comprehensive plan to prevent the chronic and disabling fires prevalent in Southern California. The Governor spoke in his capacity as Titular Chairman of the La Brea Cinder, Sparks, and Soot Commission (CSSC). “The People of California are looking to its state leadership for putting an end to wildfires”, said the governor at the crowded press conference. “When our top scientists examined the fire triangle it became clear what must be done.”

Governor Schwarzenegger signed the Keep California From Burning Act which is to take effect June 1, 2010. In this plan, Los Angeles County and all adjoining counties will begin a comprehensive paving program with the goal of covering the entire metropolitan area with concrete and asphalt by the end of 2020. Eminent domain proceedings are scheduled to begin in early 2009. It is anticipated that approximately 15 % of the area targeted for coverage will be problematic due to citizen protest or Endangered Species Act issues.

The chairperson of the scientific advisory board to the CSSC, Dr. Pietr Detrietis, Director of Ignitions at the Jasper R. Heiny Institute of Flashpoint Studies at Pultroon College, disclosed the boards rationale in making this landmark recommendation.

“We have examined the problem very carefully and have come to the unavoidable conclusion that there are too many tonnes of fuel per hectare in the affected regions. The best solution appears to be paving over all of the fuel supply with concrete, brick, or asphalt.”

Dr. Detreitis continued with the observation that “the average Californian spends less than 2 % of their recreational time in the affected vegetated areas anyway, so paving over much of the state probably won’t be noticed.”

Governor Schwarzenegger added “The paving program will bring needed jobs to the people of California who are suffering from the effects of the economy. There will be horticultural exceptions for gardeners and a permitting process is in development for those who wish to plant approved ornamental shrubs and vegetables.”

The news was greeted with wild enthusiasm by garden centers who anticipate an uptick in demand for state approved plants. The California Paving Association was likewise enthused at hearing the news.

Not all are pleased with the news, however. The California Chapter of the American Fowl Society announced its intent to file an injunction which would block paving over certain areas known to be inhabited by Skarshanks Ground Parrot. This rare species of flightless bird is a distant member of the Parrot family and is one of the few Parrots known to be carnivorous and cannibalistic. Skarshanks Ground Parrot feeds primarily on lizards and geckos, though it has been known to attack and kill small pets. The parrot’s beak is adapted for tearing scaly flesh and dismembering skeletons. Known to inflict a serious wound, most hikers walk past the heavily camouflaged bird without realizing it is near.

Mole Day in the USA

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Happy Mole Day greetings from Th’ Gaussling! I’m presently in Las Vegas to serve as Parade Marshal for the Mole Day Extravaganza on Las Vegas Blvd. I’ll be riding in the honorary parade marshals car behind the Radio City Rockettes and the MIT chemistry faculty as we make our way through the ticker tape and the cheering throngs. The parade starts at 6:02 this evening and will progress to the wee hours.

Faculty Position Announcement

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Pultroon College in Guapo, Arizona, situated in the beautiful Nitpiq Valley, is seeking to fill two high level postions. Position A1301– The college is accepting curriculum vitae from exceptional candidates for the position of Dean of Entertainment Arts and Sciences. The College is seeking senior level applicants with experience in catering and screenplay writing. While accomplished sitcom writers are encouraged to apply, preference will be given to writers of action/adventure feature length films. Coen Brothers experience is considered a plus.  Position R2139– An exceptional candidate is sought to fill the position of Hector Shushmann Professor of Docent and Concessionaire Studies. This Chair is endowed by the Juju Family Foundation. The successful candidate is expected to carry out an aggressive research and recruitment program in any of the following areas: advanced concessions studies; soda fountain technology; advanced Usher and Ticket studies; or theater seating design. The application period closes December 1, 2008. Pultroon College is an Equal Discrimination Employer. Persons of gender are especially encouraged to apply:  http://www.pultroon.org.

Astronomers Vote for Revised Unit of Humility

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28 July, 2008. Malibu, California.  The annual Astronomers League meeting ended Sunday with a vote to ratify a new definition of Humility that will be sent to SI, or Système Infernal, for a vote by the international body. The annual gathering of astronomers in Malibu is a week of splashing in the surf by day and bowling and darts by night.

In recent years there has been a dispute as to the actual definition of the Sagan, a unit of professional humility. Some astronomers had claimed that it is measured on a linear scale while others have insisted upon a base 10 logarithmic scale. 

A plenary meeting of delegates from around the world deliberated on this matter during the week and voted by a slim majority to define the scaling of the Sagan as logarithmic. Dr. Skip Thurne, Official Parliamentarian and Grand Nite Astronomer said “We feel it is appropriate to define this most important measure of professional respect and humility for the cosmos based upon an exponential measure. The unbounded wonders of the universe are so vast, and we humans are so infinitesmally small, that an exponential scale signifying our insignificance is most meaningful.”

Mathematicians Discover New Digit

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26 July, 2008. Sznorkl, Hungary. Officials at the Hungarian Institute of Advanced Enumeration revealed today that a new digit has been discovered. Director of the Institute Prof. Edvard Glomjardocz and expeditionary mathematician Stanislas Malu announced that the new digit would be named “számjegy” and would remain where it was found, between digits 7 and 8.  A Roman character representing the new digit has not been decided upon as of this date.

“The impact of this discovery is only just beginning to dawn on the science and mathematics community” Dr. Malu said. “Of course, many tools in our daily world will have to change. We’ll need to devise new keypads for cell phones, calculators, and computers. Rulers and speedometers for our automobiles will have to be modified as well” Malu said.  “We’re going to have to recalculate pi in base 11. This will keep us busy for a while,” he added with an impish grin. 

“Counting with our fingers will no longer work,” Malu cautioned, “but mathematicians have never liked that habit anyway.”

The news was not uniformly welcomed, however. Wolf Farkas, President of Bandwidth at Intel was troubled by the development. “As of this time we are not sure of what this means for our binary and hexadecimal logic operations. If we have to retool, this will get very expensive. Investors are going to take it in the shorts,” Farkas warned. “We’ll have to see how this plays out.”

Stock prices jumped at the news, however. Those with the most to gain from this discovery are manufacturers of tape measures, calculators , and computer keyboards. Both Wal-Mart and Home Depot stocks jumped 6 % in anticipation of upcoming rush to upgrade. Landfill operators and trash haulers expressed concern, though. Lars Erickson, Director of Plastic Waste at Rubbish Management Systems said “Somebody is going to have to pick all of those little calculators out of the trash.”

Scientists in Search of Disease for New Cure

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25 July, 2008. Drainsville, Ohio.  Scientists at the Institute for Chronic Insolence at The Ohio Philistine University published a landmark paper in the upcoming August 1, 2008 issue of Science. The paper reportedly reveals a series of drugs thought to be active against an as yet unknown condition.

Dr. Anandathujana McDivitt, research director of the Petulance and Peevishness Therapeutics Division and coauthor of the paper, explained to the press on Thursday that the new agents have many built-in features that should make them active against something. “These new drugs have as many as twelve pharmacophores each. For heavens sake, they should inhibit or activate something. Early indications suggest that chronic chafing may be treatable with the new medicines,” McDivitt stated. But she cautioned that they are looking for “more interesting diseases” to treat with their new medicine.

Dr. McDivitt said that collaboration with some of the major pharmaceutical houses has revitalized their interest in a treatment for petulance and peevishness.