Category Archives: Lampoon

Fake News, Parody

Gas Coalification Plant to Open in 3Q2012

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22 July, 2008. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.  Officials from Saudi Acidic Industries and Aniline de Rhone et Compagnie de Toasteur met in Riyadh for a signing ceremony marking the start of a new joint venture between the two companies. The new entity is to be called Groupe du Damné, or simply GD.

The new JV will be the first to commercialize gas coalification, or the conversion of LNG and syngas to coal. The technology package is under license from Sasshole PetroZoot Ltd., based in Johannesburg, South Africa. GD headquarters will be located in Lyon, France.

Development of a coalification miniplant unit for the capture of stranded gas on ocean platforms is under way. GD has also disclosed that a new asphaltene process using coalification-related technology is underway to meet the increasing demand for pot bottoms and tar.  GD Asphaltenes expects to have several licenses signed by 2Q2010.

Water Vapor Identified as Major Greenhouse Gas

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23 July, 2008. NCAR, Boulder, Colorado.  Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) announced today at a press conference that a major greenhouse gas has been identified. Dr. Simon Sayes, Director of the Stratosphere and co-chairman of the Vice President’s Office on Gases, Vapors, and Mists, stated before an international press corps that a previously ignored component of the atmosphere apparently absorbed a “… whole bunch of solar energy”.

“While we were preoccupied with anthropogenic CO2, we failed to consider the effects of water vapor in the atmosphere,” said Dr. Sayes. As Director of the Stratosphere, Dr. Sayes has regulatory enforcement responsibility in matters pertaining to that lofty body of air above the jetstream. Because water is also a combustion product, Dr. Sayes suggests that a switch to hydrogen and ethanol fuels would only exacerbate the problem of global warming.

“We have no enforcement plans finalized yet. However, we are investigating the use of dessicator packs to be fitted onto commercial aircraft,” stated Brian Cohen, Tropospheric Liason to the Office of the Stratosphere. “There has been some initial pushback by the airlines” Cohen added, “but we believe that the problem can be surmounted with a suitable tax package and passenger fees.”

Carbonated Beverages as Greenhouse Gas Source

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18 July, 2008. The Hague, Netherlands.  Discussions are underway concerning a new proposal to ban carbonated beverages due to mounting evidence of their combined contribution to the global greenhouse gas inventory. The startling new proposal submitted by Olivier Lawrentz, the President of Tudaloo, an island-state in the French Wayward Islands.  The document was submitted to the Ad Hoc Working Group on Further Commitments for Annex I Parties under the Kyoto Protocol (AWG-KP) just prior to Fridays deadline for the 2009 conference in the Slobovian capital of Nyeznok.

President Lawrentz stated in his address that the carbonated beverage ban proposal is meant to address the cumulative atmospheric effects of efforvescence in all manner of beverages- beer, champagne, sparkling water, and soft drinks.  “It is a simple matter of math, no? How much CO2 are we putting into the air because we demand a fizzy drink with our frittes?” asked Lawrentz, president of an island with an average elevation of 1 foot.

The reaction around the world was swift and highly critical. Arlene Kelpwalker, CEO of Cola Industries International, a softdrink trade group, stated that her member companies were shocked and disappointed at the news. “Flat sodas are not going to go down well with the public, if you’ll pardon the pun,” Kelpwalker joked.

Most telling was a press release by the Belgian beverage giant OnBev, who would only disclose that they were in discussions with the American security firm Darkwater. When pressed for more information, a spokesman for OnBev said cryptically that their response to this move by Tudaloo would be soon be apparent.

California to Decriminalize LSD

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San Francisco, California. 11 July, 2008. In a landmark decision, the California Supreme Court ruled in favor of decriminalizing the psychedelic drug LSD.  The divided court ruled 4 to 3 in favor of striking down as unconstitutional the 48 year old statute banning recreational use of the substance.

Supporters and opponents alike held a contentious vigil outside the Earl Warren Building in San Francisco friday afternoon. The long anticipated Ergotte-v-State of California case has been a lightning rod for criticism and praise around the nation.

Dr. Besnik Keukomber, Chiquita Professor of Economics and Olfactory Studies at Pultroon College in Guapo, AZ, stated in an interview with CNN reporter Robert Stiphey that “This change is welcome in some large market sectors. LSD prices have been distorted by the unfortunate statutory freeze rendering the product illegal. The action of the court has put the supply of this product back on a rational economic basis. We are concerned, however, on the negative effect it will have on sellers of the LSD once the price drops.”

Pilsner Pharma Group stocks rose 5 % today on news that the pharmaceutical giant would start construction on a lysergamide processing facility in Quasimont, California. “We have been anticipating this for quite some time” stated CEO Hedrick van Preener.

Harriott Hotel Group announced that they will offer Psychedelic Suites in flagship hotels in selected California cities. Guests will have the opportunity to relax in the safety and comfort of a plushly padded suite and experience the pleasure of a supervised psychedelic experience. For the safety of the guests, psychedelic suite balconies have been replaced with a computer animated view courtesy of Industrial Light and Magic.  The initial floor of Psychedelic Suites will open at the Marquis in Los Angeles in Late 2010.

Not all are pleased, however.  Ephraim “Scarface” Erdstein, a South Bend, IN, drug kingpin operating out of a laundromat storefront said through his attorney that he plans on waging an appeal to the US Supreme Court in an effort to support prices by halting this unfortunate trend toward legalization. 

Roland Basbo, spokesman for “Tatoo Nation”, the national Tatoo Parlor trade association, expressed concern for declining business. Basbo said “We believe that as the demographics of LSD users moves upscale, the demand for body art will see a modest decline. We’ve noticed that boomers are freaked out by skin art in the middle of an acid trip”.