28 July, 2008. Malibu, California.  The annual Astronomers League meeting ended Sunday with a vote to ratify a new definition of Humility that will be sent to SI, or Système Infernal, for a vote by the international body. The annual gathering of astronomers in Malibu is a week of splashing in the surf by day and bowling and darts by night.

In recent years there has been a dispute as to the actual definition of the Sagan, a unit of professional humility. Some astronomers had claimed that it is measured on a linear scale while others have insisted upon a base 10 logarithmic scale. 

A plenary meeting of delegates from around the world deliberated on this matter during the week and voted by a slim majority to define the scaling of the Sagan as logarithmic. Dr. Skip Thurne, Official Parliamentarian and Grand Nite Astronomer said “We feel it is appropriate to define this most important measure of professional respect and humility for the cosmos based upon an exponential measure. The unbounded wonders of the universe are so vast, and we humans are so infinitesmally small, that an exponential scale signifying our insignificance is most meaningful.”

26 July, 2008. Sznorkl, Hungary. Officials at the Hungarian Institute of Advanced Enumeration revealed today that a new digit has been discovered. Director of the Institute Prof. Edvard Glomjardocz and expeditionary mathematician Stanislas Malu announced that the new digit would be named “számjegy” and would remain where it was found, between digits 7 and 8.  A Roman character representing the new digit has not been decided upon as of this date.

“The impact of this discovery is only just beginning to dawn on the science and mathematics community” Dr. Malu said. “Of course, many tools in our daily world will have to change. We’ll need to devise new keypads for cell phones, calculators, and computers. Rulers and speedometers for our automobiles will have to be modified as well” Malu said.  “We’re going to have to recalculate pi in base 11. This will keep us busy for a while,” he added with an impish grin. 

“Counting with our fingers will no longer work,” Malu cautioned, “but mathematicians have never liked that habit anyway.”

The news was not uniformly welcomed, however. Wolf Farkas, President of Bandwidth at Intel was troubled by the development. “As of this time we are not sure of what this means for our binary and hexadecimal logic operations. If we have to retool, this will get very expensive. Investors are going to take it in the shorts,” Farkas warned. “We’ll have to see how this plays out.”

Stock prices jumped at the news, however. Those with the most to gain from this discovery are manufacturers of tape measures, calculators , and computer keyboards. Both Wal-Mart and Home Depot stocks jumped 6 % in anticipation of upcoming rush to upgrade. Landfill operators and trash haulers expressed concern, though. Lars Erickson, Director of Plastic Waste at Rubbish Management Systems said “Somebody is going to have to pick all of those little calculators out of the trash.”

25 July, 2008. Drainsville, Ohio.  Scientists at the Institute for Chronic Insolence at The Ohio Philistine University published a landmark paper in the upcoming August 1, 2008 issue of Science. The paper reportedly reveals a series of drugs thought to be active against an as yet unknown condition.

Dr. Anandathujana McDivitt, research director of the Petulance and Peevishness Therapeutics Division and coauthor of the paper, explained to the press on Thursday that the new agents have many built-in features that should make them active against something. “These new drugs have as many as twelve pharmacophores each. For heavens sake, they should inhibit or activate something. Early indications suggest that chronic chafing may be treatable with the new medicines,” McDivitt stated. But she cautioned that they are looking for “more interesting diseases” to treat with their new medicine.

Dr. McDivitt said that collaboration with some of the major pharmaceutical houses has revitalized their interest in a treatment for petulance and peevishness.

22 July, 2008. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.  Officials from Saudi Acidic Industries and Aniline de Rhone et Compagnie de Toasteur met in Riyadh for a signing ceremony marking the start of a new joint venture between the two companies. The new entity is to be called Groupe du Damné, or simply GD.

The new JV will be the first to commercialize gas coalification, or the conversion of LNG and syngas to coal. The technology package is under license from Sasshole PetroZoot Ltd., based in Johannesburg, South Africa. GD headquarters will be located in Lyon, France.

Development of a coalification miniplant unit for the capture of stranded gas on ocean platforms is under way. GD has also disclosed that a new asphaltene process using coalification-related technology is underway to meet the increasing demand for pot bottoms and tar.  GD Asphaltenes expects to have several licenses signed by 2Q2010.

23 July, 2008. NCAR, Boulder, Colorado.  Scientists at the National Center for Atmospheric Research (NCAR) announced today at a press conference that a major greenhouse gas has been identified. Dr. Simon Sayes, Director of the Stratosphere and co-chairman of the Vice President’s Office on Gases, Vapors, and Mists, stated before an international press corps that a previously ignored component of the atmosphere apparently absorbed a “… whole bunch of solar energy”.

“While we were preoccupied with anthropogenic CO2, we failed to consider the effects of water vapor in the atmosphere,” said Dr. Sayes. As Director of the Stratosphere, Dr. Sayes has regulatory enforcement responsibility in matters pertaining to that lofty body of air above the jetstream. Because water is also a combustion product, Dr. Sayes suggests that a switch to hydrogen and ethanol fuels would only exacerbate the problem of global warming.

“We have no enforcement plans finalized yet. However, we are investigating the use of dessicator packs to be fitted onto commercial aircraft,” stated Brian Cohen, Tropospheric Liason to the Office of the Stratosphere. “There has been some initial pushback by the airlines” Cohen added, “but we believe that the problem can be surmounted with a suitable tax package and passenger fees.”

18 July, 2008. The Hague, Netherlands.  Discussions are underway concerning a new proposal to ban carbonated beverages due to mounting evidence of their combined contribution to the global greenhouse gas inventory. The startling new proposal submitted by Olivier Lawrentz, the President of Tudaloo, an island-state in the French Wayward Islands.  The document was submitted to the Ad Hoc Working Group on Further Commitments for Annex I Parties under the Kyoto Protocol (AWG-KP) just prior to Fridays deadline for the 2009 conference in the Slobovian capital of Nyeznok.

President Lawrentz stated in his address that the carbonated beverage ban proposal is meant to address the cumulative atmospheric effects of efforvescence in all manner of beverages- beer, champagne, sparkling water, and soft drinks.  “It is a simple matter of math, no? How much CO2 are we putting into the air because we demand a fizzy drink with our frittes?” asked Lawrentz, president of an island with an average elevation of 1 foot.

The reaction around the world was swift and highly critical. Arlene Kelpwalker, CEO of Cola Industries International, a softdrink trade group, stated that her member companies were shocked and disappointed at the news. “Flat sodas are not going to go down well with the public, if you’ll pardon the pun,” Kelpwalker joked.

Most telling was a press release by the Belgian beverage giant OnBev, who would only disclose that they were in discussions with the American security firm Darkwater. When pressed for more information, a spokesman for OnBev said cryptically that their response to this move by Tudaloo would be soon be apparent.