Category Archives: Whimsy

Tripping the Web Fantastic

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First, my apologies to John Milton for my self-indulgent bastardization of a line of his prose.

Gaussling’s TOE (theory of everything) suggests that the universe will continue to exist until every strange occurrence that can happen, will happen. Perhaps the Hindu’s thought of this first … I don’t know. Anyway, we are one bit of strangeness closer to doom now that Snoop Dogg and Buzz Aldrin have cut a hip hop song. If I weren’t too cheap to pay for a download, I’d comment further on it.

Roger Ebert has captured the words I have been searching for to describe Bill O’Reilly and his ilk. My hat is off to Mr. Ebert for getting it right.  I think it is time to thin out the herd.

Eruption of Sarychev Volcano as seen from ISS

Eruption of Sarychev Volcano as seen from ISS

The photo above is from Nasa’s Earth Observatory web site and was taken by an ISS astronaut. Note the whitish pyroclastic flow radiating to the 5 o’clock direction. The Sarychev volcano is located on the Kuril Islands north of Japan.

Epiphany at Joe’s Crab Shack

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Whilst knoshing on broiled tilapia and shrimp at Joe’s Crab Shack last night, I innocently offered the question “Who recorded the song that is playing?” As I washed down my entree with ice water and neatly dabbed my napkin at the corner of my mouth, our friend’s teenage son (who was sitting quietly across the table from me) twiddled his wireless device and a minute later handed it over to me.

As I looked at the display it slowly dawned on me what I was viewing. The device had sampled the music and provided a list of song titles (with the artists) that matched the sample!  WTF!? 

Crimony! I need to get out more. I had no flippin’ clue that this capability was available for use outside the NSA!

There is a saying that any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable with magic. That was the case for me last night.

TurfFirst! Ecoterrorists Strike Campus

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Guapo, Arizona. Ecoterrorists struck the campus of Pultroon College friday evening. Authorities allege that members of TurfFirst! spiked the quadrangle on the Pultroon campus. Groundskeepers, on what was by all appearances a “routine mowing mission”, encountered spikes in the turf they were trimming. Mowers unwittingly ran over metal spikes driven into the soil. The spikes damaged cutting blades on the mowers and in one case punctured a tire.

Head groundskeeper William “Herb” Cutter stated that his crew was shaken by the incident and that he was uncertain when they would return to the mowers. “This came from out of the blue,” Cutter said, “we had no idea that we were being targeted.” 

Special Agent John Blather of the Four Corners Terrorism Task Force stated that the incident at Pultroon College was only the latest spiking under investigation and that a post-doctoral fellow was designated as a person of interest. While the identity of the post-doc has not been released, Ortho Professor of Hedge and Turf Science Elaine Deere released a statement through the public relations office at the college.

Deere stated that a full internal investigation was underway regarding the possibility of members of the college community sympathetic to TurfFirst! The effect upon letters of recommendation was unclear at this time.

Deere did offer a possible motivation for the spiking. “This is Arizona, after all. I don’t know what we were thinking trying to grow Kentucky Blue Grass in the Arizona desert. Maybe that’s why they’re torqued at us?”

TurfFirst! is a murky and poorly known ecoterror group. They have shown a preference for striking at college campuses and turf farms. TurfFirst! is a group of radicalized botanists and soil fundamentalists who have claimed in a lengthy manifesto that the soil comprises a living, global organism that is being harmed by agribusiness and “chemical plows”.

It is a loosely affiliated and non-centralized group consisting of independent cells, or “berms” as they call themselves. Numerous symbolic targets have been hit by TurfFirst! operatives over the last 5 years, including both the baseball and football halls of fame.

The leader of TurfFirst! is not known with any real certainty. However, a shadowy figure who operates under the name of “Sedge” is thought to be a key player in the turf underground movement.

California- Our Problem State

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It would be easier and would consume less bandwidth if the days in California without a wildfire were reported, since they seem to be fewer in number.

What will the Feds do if California legalizes and taxes pot? Will they declare it a Narco-state and allow Lou Dobbs to supervise the construction of a morality fence along the borders? What affect will it have on the SWAT apparel and black helicopter industries?

This could give a whole new range of possibilities for our next Disneyland vacation. To hell with Florida!

No Business Like Show Business

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Th’ Gaussling has a minor part in a play produced by a local community theatre group. Opening night is May 22, so the pucker factor is presently in überdrive. I’m in 5 scenes, one of which involves some shouting and pushing. Lots of opportunities to goof up. I play a farmer, so I get to do my Fess Parker accent and country mannerisms.

Rehearsals are getting pretty intense. This is the first time this play has been performed, a fact that is both good and bad. We have the blocking in place and most everyone knows their lines. Now it is just a matter of refining the performance.  A mark of an experienced actor is the ability to recover seamlessly from mangled lines. I’m not as far from that ideal as I used to be.

This is Th’ Gaussling’s 2nd production. My acting isn’t terrible, exactly. Folks are polite with me, at least to my face. I can perform certain kinds of parts acceptably. I’m more like a Slim Pickens than a George Clooney.

Putting on a good show is much more difficult that it might seem. I do it for personal growth and the satisfaction of pulling off a good performance. It is wildly outside my normal activity and is a good outlet for nervous energy.

Was Abe Lincoln Wrong?

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When I hear the  snide comments of Gingrich and Limbaugh or witness the rebirth of Tom DeLay, I begin to wonder if President Abraham Lincoln wasn’t mistaken in trying to keep the Union together. Southern Conservatism with its fanatical Baptist dominionist wingnut demographic has even perverted basic conservative values of thrift and small government. It’s expensive military fetish and its efficient marshaling of extreme nationalism have cast precious little light on the complex problems of our time, just a devisive heat.

The epoch of the “Bush II Wild-Assed Excursion in American Civilization” has lead to the present disintegration of the GOP from the Grand Old Party to the Confederate Splintered Old Party of serial filibustering demagogues.

Perhaps we should set aside a few states for the Southern Conservatives to set up a Confederacy where lassaiz faire and the Southern Baptist Convention can run unfettered in the shady green pastures of God’s marketplace. Hell, throw in Texas for good measure- except for Houston. Houston would be a independent city-state a la Hong Kong. Newt can be the new Jeff Davis of the Confederacy of Theocratic States.

Let the southern conservatives luv each other up in their own country. They can preach their sticky doctrine to a ready made choir all day long. It would be worth having a Republican Homeland seccession if it will shut the bastards up.

Bat flys to that big belfry in the sky

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Pity Brian the Bat. This innocent winged creature just wanted a place to rest. Unfortunately, he chose to rest upon the liquid fuel tank of the Space Shuttle Discovery prior to liftoff. Brian was last seen clinging to the shuttle as it cleared the tower during launch into the night sky.

Brian Bat resting on Shuttle Discovery. NASA Photo.

Brian Bat resting on Shuttle Discovery. NASA Photo.

It is not known how far Brian rode the spacecraft. NASA speculates that Brian was blown into the exhaust plume shortly after clearing the launch tower and fried to a crisp. The acoustic energy on the exterior of the shuttle during launch is around 149 db. The little bugger was surely stunned by the noise.

The Brian Bat foundation has been started in its honor (wink wink, nod nod). I’m sure that all people of goodwill will contribute to memory of this hapless fellow.