Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona, Department of Chemical Numerology. Saturday, August 23, 2025.
On-campus single accommodations available in Convent dorms: Contact Biff Stephens, biffbiff@poltroon.org. Parking permit required, $41.00 per day. Contact Harry Bisby, harryharry@poltroon.org. Airport shuttle available.
8:00 AM Plenary Session: The William ‘Billy’ Ghote Pavilion, Suess Lecture Hall A0001.6B, Coffee & Cookies, Fermented Beverages.
9:15 AM – 5:00 PM Poster Session: Suess Lecture Hall A0001.6C. Fermented beverages.
Plenary speaker: Rufus “Keto” McGumbo PhD, Visiting Scholar, The Northern Starkrakk Institute, Goblin City, Lapland. Rag Layers for the 21st Century and Beyond.
Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona. Poltroon University is proud to announce the discovery of a formerly vexing biochemical signal pathway leading to personality excursions in certain individuals. Assistant Professor of Molecular Biology Dr. Frederick “One Eye” McMurray, Ph.D., of the Department of Molecular and Tubular Biology led the research. McMurray has pinpointed the signaling pathway leading to uncontrolled blathering about certain kinds of trivia. Previously thought to be a variety of Tourette’s Syndrome, uncontrolled and prolonged outbursts of sports trivia- baseball and bowling trivia is common in the US and The Bahamas.
Poltroon University Clearly Distinguished Professor of Obscure Natural Product Chemistry, Dr. B.L. Bowelson, has discovered a new variety of psychoactive substances while surveying the jungles of central New Worcestershire, Africa. Interested in studying a frog whose skin is known for treating the dreaded jungle halitosis, Bowelson brought samples back to Poltroon and began to extract skin samples. After years of tedium a significant quantity of the previously unknown substance Frogadiene was obtained.
Isomeric forms of Frogadiene. Source: Poltroon University office of public relations.
The major isomer, trans,trans-Frogadiene, was found to be the most efficacious form in badger halitosis studies. The substance works by inhibiting the stinky and hazardous hydrogen sulfide produced by sulfur reducing bacteria. Another intriguing effect of the Frogadiene in the forest inhabitants is the enhanced ability to participate in convivial discussions. For a day or two, village victims of jungle halitosis were able to sit with family and friends without the foul breath. After imbibing a tea made from frog scraps, for a time the once blabbering halitosis victims were able to converse without the usual stream of useless information.
Noting the increased, though temporary, ability to avoid outbursts of trivia, McMurray set out to understand the molecular pharmacology of Frogadiene. The first target was the membrane enzyme uselase. This protein was already connected with stimulating the trivia peduncle of the human brain. By maceration in pH 6.9438 buffer of 30 freshly deceased brain donors, a small quantity of uselase was isolated.
The uselase isolate was treated with synthetic trans,trans-Frogadiene and crystals were produced of the complex. X-ray crystallography clearly showed the Frogadiene bound to the enzyme. Later it was found to be an activator of the protease enzyme uselase. In the presence of Frogadiene the enzyme is phosphorylated and passes into the intracellular medium. Once inside, the activated enzyme cleaves DNA which eventually leads to the production of the neurotransmitter monotonine. This neurotransmitter suppresses the urge to issue torrents of trivia.
The pharmaceutical company Azidoberg is in negotiations with Poltroon in an effort to buy the patent.
(This is a 2012 post that I’ve dredged up to run through the mill again.)
Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona. A scandal has rocked the Institute of Quantum Cogitation at Poltroon University. A graduate student and supervising faculty member stand accused of academic fraud. The office of University Chancellor Clodagh A. Gatwick released a statement indicating the matter was under internal investigation.
Associate professor Corey Irwin was placed on administrative leave while the graduate student, Ragnar Ostrom, faces possible suspension.
Irwin and Ostrom were initially accused of falsifying results from a series of thought experiments published in Physics Expecta Acta, 2007, Section B, 256-278. However, it was later determined that the falsified thought experiment results were in fact plagiarized from a future thought experiment to be published by Faroe Island physicists Spotsandottir and Dotsson. The two physicists were surprised to learn that their work was being usurped by other workers.
The Society of Thought Experimentation was contacted for comment but issued a press release stating the Society was still imagining what it’s position would be.
This was first posted 1/3/2010 and is herein posted once again. My big question is, what the hell is with the saucer design for interstellar travel? Saucers have a large surface to volume ratio which inherently restricts the size of everything they would have to bring along. Don’t they have food and luggage to pack? The same argument holds even if they are tiny buggers. This line of investigation will have to wait for another post.
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Imagine that you and a companion are out for an evening stroll after a big dinner, say in a park somewhere. You hear a curious whining sound and look up to see an alien spaceship on a landing approach to the park. The craft lands and the crew scuttles off to perform some tedious abduction or organ harvest in the neighborhood.
Your companion exclaims “Golly! There is something you don’t see every day!”. But you’re unmoved by your companions incisive commentary. Because you see this as a long sought opportunity to examine an alien craft up close.
What would you look at? The propulsion system? Or perhaps the weapons array or guidance system? Pffft.
I would look at something much more mundane. I think it would be very enlightening to see what kind of fasteners they use. That’s right. Fasteners. Nuts, bolts, latches, bungees, straps, nails, hinges, hooks & loops, and rivets. How do these confounded exo-buggers hold things together? What’s the deal?
Fasteners are mechanical contrivances used to restrain objects into a desired configuration, often by the application and fixing of tension or compression through some structural element. Think of all of the fasteners we encounter before we set foot out the door every morning.
Elastic articles of clothing perform a fastening function through the application of tension about numerous body parts through the miracle of Spandex/Lycra. Shoe laces are fastening devices that apply and hold tension on opposing shoe upper elements wrapped over the arch of the foot.
Moving upwards, the zipper is a fastener that works in concert with a trouser/skirt button or snap fastener. The belt and buckle are a fastener ensemble that together apply and hold tension about the circumference of the waist to keep ones trousers from succumbing to the pull of gravity.
Other fasteners include shirt buttons, brassiere connectors (damn those things!), earring wires, eyeglass frames (they connect to your face), cell phone belt attachments, the deadbolt on the front door, all manner of electrical connectors, and the list goes on and on. Electrical connectors are especially interesting because they combine the functions of electrical continuity and fastener. All are a compromise between the competing interests of biomechanics, convenience, safety, regulatory standards, and custom.
So, back to the space ship. How would space faring beings approach the problem of fastening materials and components. Would they use individual components fastened together or would they use integrated component assemblies that support multiple functions? Perhaps the mechanical fastener question is moot because components would be cast, glued, or welded.
Integrated components have a certain appeal, but, by their integrated nature could serve as a node from which to initiate failure propagation to multiple systems. For instance, if a battery was built to serve as a structural element for the craft, could a battery failure of some sort serve to initiate a structural failure mode? At what point is it foolish to integrate systems rather than leave them distributed? As always, it depends.
I think an alien spacecraft would have at least a few kinds of obvious fasteners. Surely alien technologies are subject to component failures and would require occasional repair. Of interest would be the concessions to alien biomechanics.
Humans occasionally use wingnuts to fasten objects that need not be permanently affixed. The wingnut is simply a style of threaded nut that has two modest protuberances that allow for torsion and compression to be applied by the fingers and wrist. The wingnut is not functional for beings who lack the sort of articulated digits that we have. Perhaps an alien being would have a latch or other contrivance to accommodate its appendages.
Of course, all of this alien talk is just a device with which to cast the matter of fasteners into a more interesting light. Fasteners are part of our collective technological heritage and are rather under-appreciated. But, if you are unfortunate enough to be abducted by aliens, I suspect that the matter of alien fasteners might be of immediate interest.
It’s become popular to refer to women who go on an angry tirade in public as a ‘Karen’ but men have no analogous name. This has always struck me as a bit misogynistic. We should retire this word in our day-to-day name calling. I would offer that a gender neutral slander like ‘jerk’, ‘sh*t head’ or ‘a**hole’ is more appropriate.
Of course, the age-old word ‘bitch’ has always seemed misogynistic as well. I vote we retire this also in favor of the above replacements. Just a thought. For fun, pick your own words for non-sexist slander.
I heard a joke from a Russian friend years ago. It goes like this-
A farmer was standing by a fence along his property. Suddenly God appeared before him. God said “Yuri, you have been a good man during your life. As a reward, I’m going to grant you one wish. But you must know that I will grant the same wish to your neighbor.” The farmer thought about it for a moment and said “kill my cow.”
I thought I’d add a new component to Freud’s structural model of the psyche. That would be the Stupid. It sits apart from the Id in that it can be at play in both the conscious and the unconscious mind. Unlike the Id, the Stupid can be both subconscious and premeditated. It can slip out as an urgent flash from the lizard brain and fly past the ego into full view. Freud felt that the role of the ego was to mediate between the Id and reality. Sometimes, thoughts can overwhelm the mind’s layers of protection. The Stupid can display itself in its full regalia abruptly or after much rumination. It begins with a swirl of feelings that erupt into a kind of psychic solar flare that blasts out into the world for all to see. For a glorious moment it provides a pulse of gratification that seems “Oh, So Right”. But being the Stupid, it can promptly collapse under the weight of it’s own, well, stupidity, or it can float around out there and mingle with the thoughts of others for a long period of time. Even find it’s way into print for all eternity like this post.
Of course, the previous paragraph, while having an appealing ring to it, is total fiction.
My interest is in rehabilitating the word “stupid” in my own mind. I have always avoided using the word because I believed it was meant to accuse someone of being mentally deficient and therefore slanderous. It is widely felt that even if well founded, its use is rude. I had a midwestern Lutheran upbringing and so rude was something that you just don’t do.
I’ve been struggling to find a word that describes a person who harbors Republican evangelical, fascist or totalitarian fantasies, but who may appear and function normally. They seem to be everywhere. While I would like to include those who attempt a gibbering explanation of a libertarian utopia, I’m as yet undecided. A wave of the hand and dismissal with a bell curve argument isn’t enough. Is this cognitive elitism? Yeah, pretty much.
Mental deficiency is only one of several meanings of the word stupid. Google defines stupid as “having or showing a great lack of intelligence or common sense.” Excoriating someone for being mentally deficient or lacking in intelligence is mean spirited and is to be avoided in a civilized world.
The question of how common is common sense is a matter of debate. At its base, common sense would be a grasp or recognition of something that most would agree should be obvious to everyone. But, it seems to me that common sense is something that is learned over time and experience. You couldn’t just pop out of the womb and instinctively know that safety glasses should be worn when handling chemicals. People will vary widely in their inventory of common sense notions. Maybe common sense cannot be a universal package of instinct. Maybe the very idea of common sense rests on feet of clay. That it is just a rhetorical slight-of-hand used to make a hasty judgement and win the argument.
According to Wiktionary, stupid can also mean “exhibiting the quality of having been done by someone lacking in intelligence”. “Exhibiting the quality” is not the same as being fundamentally unintelligent, is it? It’s just the appearance of unintelligent. I think I’ll run with that.
I’ll have to come clean. I have shown a good deal of exhibiting the quality of stupidity in the past by my previous unfortunate choices. No, seriously, it is true. But that doesn’t disqualify me from recognizing it elsewhere. I know what I’m looking for.
Lamentations on Chemistry 