Poltroon University, Guapo, Arizona. Poltroon University is proud to announce the discovery of a formerly vexing biochemical signal pathway leading to personality excursions in certain individuals. Assistant Professor of Molecular Biology Dr. Frederick “One Eye” McMurray, Ph.D., of the Department of Molecular and Tubular Biology led the research. McMurray has pinpointed the signaling pathway leading to uncontrolled blathering about certain kinds of trivia. Previously thought to be a variety of Tourette’s Syndrome, uncontrolled and prolonged outbursts of sports trivia- baseball and bowling trivia is common in the US and The Bahamas.

Poltroon University Clearly Distinguished Professor of Obscure Natural Product Chemistry, Dr. B.L. Bowelson, has discovered a new variety of psychoactive substances while surveying the jungles of central New Worcestershire, Africa. Interested in studying a frog whose skin is known for treating the dreaded jungle halitosis, Bowelson brought samples back to Poltroon and began to extract skin samples. After years of tedium a significant quantity of the previously unknown substance Frogadiene was obtained.

The major isomer, trans,trans-Frogadiene, was found to be the most efficacious form in badger halitosis studies. The substance works by inhibiting the stinky and hazardous hydrogen sulfide produced by sulfur reducing bacteria. Another intriguing effect of the Frogadiene in the forest inhabitants is the enhanced ability to participate in convivial discussions. For a day or two, village victims of jungle halitosis were able to sit with family and friends without the foul breath. After imbibing a tea made from frog scraps, for a time the once blabbering halitosis victims were able to converse without the usual stream of useless information.

Noting the increased, though temporary, ability to avoid outbursts of trivia, McMurray set out to understand the molecular pharmacology of Frogadiene. The first target was the membrane enzyme uselase. This protein was already connected with stimulating the trivia peduncle of the human brain. By maceration in pH 6.9438 buffer of 30 freshly deceased brain donors, a small quantity of uselase was isolated.

The uselase isolate was treated with synthetic trans,trans-Frogadiene and crystals were produced of the complex. X-ray crystallography clearly showed the Frogadiene bound to the enzyme. Later it was found to be an activator of the protease enzyme uselase. In the presence of Frogadiene the enzyme is phosphorylated and passes into the intracellular medium. Once inside, the activated enzyme cleaves DNA which eventually leads to the production of the neurotransmitter monotonine. This neurotransmitter suppresses the urge to issue torrents of trivia.

The pharmaceutical company Azidoberg is in negotiations with Poltroon in an effort to buy the patent.