International soft drink giants Coca Cola and Pepsi have been charged with greenhouse gas emission violations by the Europese Kooldioxidecommissie (EK) in Modderkip, The Netherlands. The soft drink manufacturers were indicted for their part in the worldwide spread of efforvescent emissions of a greenhouse gas.
Viktor Fischkopf, Titular Comissioner of the EK, issued a press release stating that the soft drink companies have been brought before the court for international conspiracy to supply carbonation for the express purpose of emission through direct efforvescence and by fugitive emissions from bottling, eructation, and flatulence. While the charges fall short of crimes against humanity, a conviction by the EK may result in embargo of goods in participating nations.
Representatives of Coca Cola and Pepsi have declined to comment. However, one executive from Coca Cola subsidiary Fanta spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We will fight this with all of the resources we can summon. If we lose this fight, the peoples of the world face the grim prospect of flat, uncarbonated Coke. It’s unthinkable. The word ‘soda’ will become meaningless.”
Lamentations on Chemistry 
What could replace CO2 in this application? N2O has about the same solubility in water as H2O, and food preservative qualities as a bonus, but according to Wikipedia it’s a greenhouse gas. Chlorine, ammonia, H2S, SO2 all have excellent solubility in water, but might affect the taste slightly. CO is poisonous, H is flammable, He is expensive. What have I overlooked? Argon? SF6?
I see no way to avoid it—governments must require fitting of lithium hydroxide scrubbers to all cans of soda sold after 2012.
I don’t know. I rather like the idea of N2O, however. Sounds like great fun. To hell with AGW if we’re all rolling on the floor in laughter while it happens. \;-)
As a note to readers outside of the USA, we celebrate the date of April 1 as “April Fools” day. On this date it is common to play tricks on people for the sheer fun of it. An so it is with this article.